Saturday, March 24, 2012
Hi future me!!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Well, On the "flip" side, when Torri and Dean tell this kid to "look both ways before crossing the street" he wont even have to turn his head side to side.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Carnie Wilson is a great role model, that is if we were talking about cinnamon "rolls." But as far as being a good role model for young girls who are trying to lose weight-she is probably the worst thing since...well..since Carnie Wilson. This fatso stopped singing years ago and starting using her mouth for her "real" talent-which is eating. If you remember, back in 1999- Jabba couldn't keep her pudgy fingers out of the cookie jar and blew up to an earth shattering 300 lbs so she underwent gastro bypass surgery, which was a colossal waste of money because it apparently didn't work. She just confessed to People magazine that she had lap-band surgery again this past January. Lap-band surgery is a procedure where they place a silicone band around the stomach which effectively reduces it to the size of a golfball-However, when the doctors tried explaining the procedure in these terms to Carnie, she got a bit confused.. so they had to use an analogy that she would easily understand. So instead of a "golfball" they said "the size of a delicious chocolate munchkin." Which made Carnie Clap her hands together vigorously with delight, and nod her head up and down approvingly.
So a Canadian porn star named Alex Torres whom goes by the porn name "Voodoo" went on The Jim Richards radio show in Toronto on march 16 and claimed that Lindsay Lohan paid him to have sex with her while her father-Micheal Lohan slept upstairs. I personally don't believe this story. Someone would have to be crazy to sleep with someone that possibly has had hundreds or maybe even thousands of sexual partners, especially in this day and age. However, if this story does turn out to be true..I just hope that poor bastard Alex Torres had the sense to wear a rubber and immediately went to a clinic and got tested for EVERYTHING afterwards.
I know, It's hard to believe but Mike "The situation" Sorrentino reportedly checked into a rehab facility in Utah for addiction to "prescription medications." Wow, he must have one of those really cool doctors that prescribe tequila and Jack Daniels for depression, and steroids for poor body image and low self esteem. Give me a fucking break, prescription meds...really?? How stupid do they think we are? We've watched this idiot and his retarded cast mates for 5 seasons on The Planet of the Apes ( A.K.A. The Jersey Shore) Drink themselves into Oblivion on almost every episode. I don't know, maybe he's trying suppress some deep dark secret that he's having a hard time dealing with...I cant imagine what it could be though...Hmmmmmm...let me think.....
Monday, March 19, 2012
Okay, you have the choice of watching this video again or dipping your balls in a Juicer. I'll get the Juicer.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Cut the shit with the fucking tatt's already will ya Rihanna? Okay, we get it...you're a "gangsta biatch." -noted. Yeah right, she's about as "gangsta" as Betty White's grandmother. Seriously, if society gauged how "gangsta" someone was by the amount of ink they have on their body, then this drunken idiot that had the misfortune of passing out at my last house party would be considered the "Ultimate Gangsta" But I'm pretty sure that he told me earlier that night that he just stocks shelves at Target.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Rapper Fabolous made it rain $28,000 dollars in cash in an Atlanta strip club called Diamonds and almost caused a near riot. The rapper was there for a private party with a few friends including comedian- Kevin Hart. I once made it rain money up in a strip club too, but the strippers were really ungrateful and said to "get out" and to "take my sack of pennies with me." In they're defense, I probably should have unrolled them before I started hucking em' at them.
George Clooney was arrested today in Washington D.C for crossing a police line during a protest he was leading in front of the Sudanese embassy. He was there with hundreds of others protesting the Sudanese Government's violence against its own people and the humanitarian crisis that is unfolding over there. George Clooney seems too good to be true to me because I'm a cynical bastard that has no faith in humanity. Haven't you heard the expression "Thoust protest too much?" George is constantly expressing his outrage over political issues like gay rights, women's rights, etc. Call me crazy, but I wouldn't doubt it if in a few years we find out that this guy has a crawl space chalk full of rotting corpses of human slaves he bought on the black market to fight to the death for his own personal entertainment in his underground fight club.
So the most un-funny "comedian"in the world- Russell Brand turned himself into police on Thursday night because a warrant for his arrest was issued after an incident took place Monday night in New Orleans where he apparently grabbed a photographers iPhone and threw it through a nearby businesses window. He was charged with "simple criminal damage-under $700.00 dollars." What is it with all these celebrities and cell phones lately?? The only time I ever threw a cell phone through a nearby window was when I was on a date with some chick that I had just met and panicked when the free clinic called me with my results and I accidentally hit "speaker phone." That was kind of an awkward night.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Don't get all excited, by "topless" I didn't mean she was decapitated. Nope, no such luck. I simply meant that she tweeted this racy pic of herself in bed last night with her big tits hanging out to her 14 million followers on twitter with the caption "can't sleep tonight." I suppose it would be pretty hard to sleep when you've got two make-up artist, a photoshop expert and a professional camera man all up in your face. I still cant get over the fact that she has 14 million followers on twitter. At least that makes it a hell of a lot easier for the National Census Bureau to gauge roughly how many mentally retarded people are living in the United States.
Monday, March 12, 2012
I have never watched "Glee" and I have no idea who the fuck Heather Morris is, but apparently her iPhone was hacked and a bunch of nude photos of her were leaked and put up on the Internet this past Sunday night. When the hell are you girls gonna learn? If there are pictures of your tits out there somewhere, we guys will find a way to see them. We have to. We are like "Tit terminators" when it come to this shit. NOTHING will stop us. We trade pictures of tits like kids trade baseball cards. So do yourselves a favor. The next time you're about to send some guy that you most likely wont even know in 4 months pictures of yourself naked...just make sure that that guy is me..because I'm totally trustworthy and I would never betray you by letting your nude pics get leaked on the internet. In fact-here's my email address Hollywoodpinata2012@yahoo.com Any pics that you send me will be placed inside a steel vault and protected 24/7 by two highly trained armed guards. You don't believe that I have two armed guards?? Well here, Here's some pics of them....
Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeezus!!! Holy fuck!! Alright...I know she's pregnant but wtf...is her baby pregnant too?? Good god. Gosh..I wonder if Nick Lachey has any regrets.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Jon Hamm is one of the very few celebrities that doesn't annoy me or seem like a total asshole. He's a good actor and doesn't get caught up in all the "Hollywood bullshit." So you can probably imagine what he thinks of all these talentless reality stars that have tainted the Hollywood gene pool in recent years. Whats that?...you cant imagine what he thinks of them? Oh, that's okay because he will actually tell you what he thinks of them, like he recently did in an interview with Elle UK in which he said this- "Whether it's Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated ," and then he added this gold nugget-" being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you're rewarded significantly." Oh Jon, where have you've been all my life?? Seriously...If this guy whispered stuff like that in my ear at night, there would be no need for me to take Viagra....oh, I'm not gay or anything..not that there's anything wrong with that. What?? There is something wrong with that?? Who the fuck just said that??....is someone there??..hello?
Friday, March 9, 2012
Shia Labeouf was out in L.A. shopping on Thursday and apparently he's gonna be playing Grizzly Adams gay son in his next movie because that's exactly what he looks like. What the fucks up with that sweater and scraggly beard? Is it really that cold in L.A these days? By the looks of him..I wouldn't doubt it if this idiot got a ticket for double parking his dog sled.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
A sex tape of 58 year old former pro-wrestler Hulk Hogan has surfaced and is currently being shopped to the porn industry giant Vivid Video- the same company that purchased the infamous Tommy Lee\ Pam Anderson sex video. Apparently the grainy video is about 5 years old and shows the "Hulkster' walking around in a yellow thong, flexing his muscles and engaging in sexual intercourse with an unidentified brunette companion. A Vivid Video spokesperson released a statement saying that they are "very interested in acquiring the tape" but they need their experts to inspect the video further just to make 100% sure that the muscle bound person in the video isn't actually "Brooke Hogan." However, if the person on the tape does turn out to be Brooke Hogan...Hulk Hogan has already put the first bid in for 1,000,000 dollars.
- Tulisa took the "X-Factor" way too literally.
- Girls like Irina Shayk and Ann V would never date ...
- Hey everybody, here's Ashley Tisdales ass!!!
- Torri spelling is pregnant again and I just yacked...
- Kim Kardashian got showered with "white stuff" las...
- Carnie "The Carnivore" Wilson underwent weight los...
- Lindsay probably banged a pornstar.
- Reese Witherspoon is probably pregnant again.
- Shocker: Mike "The situation" Sorrentino is in reh...
- Rihanna wants her ass back.
- Oprah loses 240lbs of pure blubber-Shit-cans Rosie...
- Rihanna got another tattoo on her collar bone...c'...
- Who and what in the the hell is this??!!
- Rapper Fabolous really knows how to waste money.
- George Clooney got arrested!!! WTF???
- Russell brand got arrested.
- Kim Kardashian - topless!....kinda sorta.
- Hey...wanna see Heather Morris of "Glee" naked!!?....
- Jessica simpson is the fattest person on the plane...
- Rhianna desperately wants your attention.
- Courtney Stodden is stupid \ can't spell her name....
- Jon Hamm is in a word-wonderful.
- LeAnne Rimes knows how to ruin a perfectly good bl...
- Proof that Shia Lebeouf has hit puberty.
- Rhianna has major "daddy issues."
- Jessica Simpson's "Elle" of a cover.
- Jennifer Love Hewitt "never gets hit on."....awwww...
- Hulk Hogan has a sex tape....yay?
- Surprise: Lindsay Lohan Totally sucked on SNL.
- NBC has stupidly hired Dane Cook to be "funny".
- Miley Cyrus is in love.
- Jennifer Aniston still watches "Friends."
- Snooki really IS pregnant.
- Justin Bieber got a new car...and I'm jealous\suic...
- ▼ March (34)