Tulisa took the "X-Factor" way too literally.

So if you were ever wondering what the face of regret looks like...this is it. You're probably like me and didn't know who the fuck Tulisa was up until a few days ago. Then a sex tape surfaced of Tulisa giving her boyfriend (at the time) a hummer, and now we all know who she is. She's apparently a judge on the X-factor- which is weird because she must be a terrible judge- of character that is, thinking that her ex-boyfriend would never show this tape to anyone. Tulisa's boss and producer of the X-factor-Simon Cowell released a statement to the press regarding the tape and said that it is an"appalling betrayal of trust'' and that Tulisa's ex-boyfriend is a "total scumbag" for releasing it to the public. Randy Jackson also chimed in and said that he thought the tape was "pretty good overall" but was a little "pitchy" in some parts.

Girls like Irina Shayk and Ann V would never date you.

Sports Illustrated swimsuit models Irina Shayk and Ann V are not lesbians but they pretended to be in this pic that they tweeted the other day just to make me hate my life and run out and buy that P90X workout DVD and fool myself into thinking that in 90 days I will be totally ripped and that I'll be "hittin" chicks that look just like Irina and Ann all the time. But lets face it, the only thing that will be "ripped" in 90 days is the ass in my waist 46 pants, and the only thing  I'll be "hittin"is the McDonald's drive-thru ordering 4 double cheeseburgers off the "dollar menu" and paying for them using some change I found in between my couch cushion- which is also where my unopened P90X workout DVD will most likely  be.

Hi future me!!

Hey everybody, here's Ashley Tisdales ass!!!

I don't know what the hell she's about to do with that ukulele, but If my instincts are right...I feel like someone should warn her that salt water is a terrible lubricant.

Torri spelling is pregnant again and I just yacked in my Corn Flakes.

Unless you're a Marine biologist, I cant see how anyone could find Torri spelling even remotely attractive..That's why I would like to ask Torri's husband, actor-Dean McDermott two very important questions. The first thing I would like to ask him is "Are you fucking kidding me?  The second thing would be "seriously dude...you're fucking kidding me right??." I mean c'mon, whats this guys favorite porn movie, The Incredible Mr. Limpet?  Anyway, I don't know how he stomachs it, but Dean got Torri pregnant again just 5 months after she gave birth to a little girl back in Oct, 2011. This will be Torri's 4th child. Oh, and here's the ultra sound image of the little Bugger.....

Well, On the "flip" side, when Torri and Dean tell this kid to "look both ways before crossing the street" he wont even have to turn his head side to side.

Kim Kardashian got showered with "white stuff" last night.

Kim Kardashian got showered with white stuff last night- that statement doesn't seem that unusual in itself, but what is unusual is that the aforementioned "white stuff" was NOT the tainted semen of some random black athlete, but rather the fact it was a bunch of flour that some protester-type- crazy lady person dumped all over Kim at the launch party for her new fragrance True Reflections in West Hollywood last night. When I first glanced at this picture I was really pumped because I though that Kim had been killed and someone had captured her ghost on tape.But no such luck.I should have learned by now not to "jump the gun" and get too excited before I get all the facts- because that's a really good way to ruin a perfectly good pair of jeans.

Carnie "The Carnivore" Wilson underwent weight loss surgery...again.

Carnie Wilson is a great role model, that is if we were talking about cinnamon "rolls." But as far as being a good role model for young girls who are trying to lose weight-she is probably the worst thing since...well..since Carnie Wilson. This fatso stopped singing years ago and starting using her mouth for her "real" talent-which is eating. If you remember, back in 1999- Jabba couldn't keep her pudgy fingers out of the cookie jar and blew up to an earth shattering 300 lbs so she underwent gastro bypass surgery, which was a colossal waste of money because it apparently didn't work. She just confessed to People magazine that she had lap-band surgery again this past January. Lap-band surgery is a procedure where they place a silicone band around the stomach which effectively reduces it to the size of a golfball-However, when the doctors tried explaining the procedure in these terms to Carnie, she got a bit confused.. so they had to use an analogy that she would easily understand. So instead of a "golfball" they said "the size of a delicious chocolate munchkin." Which made Carnie Clap her hands together vigorously with delight, and nod her head up and down approvingly.

Lindsay probably banged a pornstar.

So a Canadian porn star named Alex Torres whom goes by the porn name "Voodoo" went on The Jim Richards radio show in Toronto on march 16 and claimed that Lindsay Lohan paid him to have sex with her while her father-Micheal Lohan slept upstairs. I personally don't believe this story. Someone would have to be crazy to sleep with someone that possibly has had hundreds or maybe even thousands of sexual partners, especially in this day and age. However, if this story does turn out to be true..I just hope that poor bastard Alex Torres had the sense to wear a rubber and immediately went to a clinic and got tested for EVERYTHING afterwards.

 Dont look so cocky bro'...Your dick has 3 weeks to live.

Reese Witherspoon is probably pregnant again.

Rumors have been circulating that 36 year old actress Reese Witherspoon is pregnant again. If the rumors are true, this will be Reese's third child. Reese is pretty cute, but that chin of hers is so fucking pointy!! Its so sharp, she could probably cut through a soda can with it. If the "pointy chin gene" is passed down to this kid, she could be in for an extremely painful childbirth. I hope Reese doesn't plan on doing any crunches while she's pregnant. She could accidentally give herself a pre-mature C-section.

Shocker: Mike "The situation" Sorrentino is in rehab.

I know, It's hard to believe but Mike "The situation" Sorrentino reportedly checked into a rehab facility in Utah for addiction to "prescription medications."  Wow, he must have one of those really cool doctors that prescribe tequila and Jack Daniels for depression, and steroids for poor body image and low self esteem. Give me a fucking break, prescription meds...really?? How stupid do they think we are? We've watched this idiot and his retarded cast mates for 5 seasons on The Planet of the Apes ( A.K.A. The Jersey Shore) Drink themselves into Oblivion on almost every episode. I don't know, maybe he's trying suppress some deep dark secret that he's having a hard time dealing with...I cant imagine what it could be though...Hmmmmmm...let me think.....

 well...that's peculiar.

Rihanna wants her ass back.

Rhianna did an interview with People magazine this week and told them that she has trimmed down but "lost her booty" in the process and "desperately wants to get it back." The 24 year old pop star then added " I'm gonna have to start hiking or at least going on the elliptical or walking on a incremental treadmill or horse back riding." I think she could skip all that and just start seeing Chris brown again. Then she would get a lot of leg exercises in by constantly running from him, locking herself in the bathroom and bracing herself with her legs while pushing her back against the door as he's trying to kick it in. Hey, then she'll have both "asses" back!

Oprah loses 240lbs of pure blubber-Shit-cans Rosie O'donnell.

So it took about 5 months, but Oprah Winfrey finally realized what we have all known for a long time. And that is, Rosie O'Donnell is a fat untalented annoying asshole. Yup, Oprah fired her from "The Rosie show" that was on Oprah's OWN network because her ratings sucked and only got about 150,000 viewers per episode. Put it this way, videos of dogs running in their sleep on YouTube get more views than that in an hour. Some of you may still be on the fence about Rosie so I posted a video of her that by the end of it will have you either wanting to go on a shooting spree or contemplating taking your own life. Again, this video is highly disturbing. Watch at your own risk!! Oh, and BTW-you may need this :National suicide prevention hot line-1-800-273-TALK

Okay, you have the choice of watching this video again or dipping your balls in a Juicer. I'll get the Juicer.

Rihanna got another tattoo on her collar bone...c'mon, for realz?

Cut the shit with the fucking tatt's already will ya Rihanna? Okay, we get it...you're a "gangsta biatch." -noted. Yeah right, she's about as "gangsta" as Betty White's grandmother. Seriously, if society gauged how "gangsta" someone was by the amount of ink they have on their body, then this drunken idiot that had the misfortune of passing out at my last house party would be considered the "Ultimate Gangsta" But I'm pretty sure that he told me earlier that night that he just stocks shelves at Target.

Who and what in the the hell is this??!!

Somewhere on the outskirts of Hollywood, in a top secret underground laboratory, scientist have been successful in creating a hybrid humanoid-type creature code named "K-iller" by taking the DNA from comedian Ben Stiller and mixing it with the DNA of Red Hot Chili peppers lead singer-Anthony Keidis. Scientist believe that they will soon be able mass produce these mindless automaton's and sell them to the U.S. government in order to create an army of these proto-types that will be capable of demoralizing any and all enemy's of the United States by simply annoying the hell out of them and totally creeping them the fuck out.

Rapper Fabolous really knows how to waste money.

Rapper Fabolous made it rain $28,000 dollars in cash in an Atlanta strip club called Diamonds and almost caused a near riot. The rapper was there for a private party with a few friends including comedian- Kevin Hart. I once made it rain money up in a strip club too, but the strippers were really ungrateful and said to "get out" and to "take my sack of pennies with me."  In they're defense, I probably should have unrolled them before I started hucking em' at them.

George Clooney got arrested!!! WTF???

George Clooney was arrested today in Washington D.C for crossing a police line during a protest he was leading in front of the Sudanese embassy. He was there with hundreds of others protesting the Sudanese Government's violence against its own people and the humanitarian crisis that is unfolding over there. George Clooney seems too good to be true to me because I'm a cynical bastard that has no faith in humanity. Haven't you heard the expression "Thoust protest too much?" George is constantly expressing his outrage over political issues like gay rights, women's rights, etc. Call me crazy, but I wouldn't doubt it if in a few years we find out that this guy has a crawl space chalk full of rotting corpses of human slaves he bought on the black market to fight to the death for his own personal entertainment in his underground fight club.

Russell brand got arrested.

So the most un-funny "comedian"in the world- Russell Brand turned himself into police on Thursday night because a warrant for his arrest was issued after an incident took place Monday night in New Orleans where he apparently grabbed a photographers iPhone and threw it through a nearby businesses window. He was charged with "simple criminal damage-under $700.00 dollars." What is it with all these celebrities and cell phones lately?? The only time I ever threw a cell phone through a nearby window was when I was on a date with some chick that I had just met and panicked when the free clinic called me with my results and I accidentally hit "speaker phone." That was kind of an awkward night.

Kim Kardashian - topless!....kinda sorta.

Don't get all excited, by "topless" I didn't mean she was decapitated. Nope, no such luck. I simply meant that she tweeted this racy pic of herself in bed last night with her big tits hanging out to her 14 million followers on twitter with the caption "can't sleep tonight." I suppose it would be pretty hard to sleep when you've got two make-up artist, a photoshop expert and a professional camera man all up in your face. I still cant get over the fact that she has 14 million followers on twitter. At least that makes it a hell of a lot easier for the National Census Bureau to gauge roughly how many mentally retarded people are living in the United States.

Hey...wanna see Heather Morris of "Glee" naked!!?...hmmph...I knew you would you frickin pervert.

I have never watched "Glee" and I have no idea who the fuck Heather Morris is, but apparently her iPhone was hacked and a bunch of nude photos of her were leaked and put up on the Internet this past Sunday night. When the hell are you girls gonna learn?  If there are pictures of your tits out there somewhere, we guys will find a way to see them. We have to. We are like "Tit terminators" when it come to this shit. NOTHING will stop us. We trade pictures of tits like kids trade baseball cards. So do yourselves a favor. The next time you're about to send some guy that you most likely wont even know in 4 months pictures of yourself naked...just make sure that that guy is me..because I'm totally trustworthy and I would never betray you by letting your nude pics get leaked on the internet.  In fact-here's my email address Hollywoodpinata2012@yahoo.com  Any pics that you send me will be placed inside a steel vault and protected 24/7 by two highly trained armed guards. You don't believe that I have two armed guards?? Well here, Here's some pics of them....

..........feel better now?

Jessica simpson is the fattest person on the planet.

Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeezus!!! Holy fuck!! Alright...I know she's pregnant but wtf...is her baby pregnant too?? Good god.  Gosh..I wonder if Nick Lachey has any regrets.

....I should probably just wait till he's done to ask him. I dont wanna be rude.

Rhianna desperately wants your attention.

Tiny tits may be a delicacy in some countries, but unfortunately for Rhianna- we live in America where big tits take precedence over pretty much anything else. So it was pretty strange that she decided to wear a see-through shirt while in NYC the other night. I dont really think she thought this through very well. Doesnt she realize how much easier she's making it for Chris Brown to locate her vital organs when he inevitably stabs her death? Huh?.what do mean shut-up?.(whisper voice) oh sorry, you're right.....what was I thinking?...okay, I wont say anything if you dont.

Courtney Stodden is stupid \ can't spell her name.

For about a year now, Courtney Stodden has been trying to fit into the Hollywood scene like a fat chick trying to fit into a size 0...aint happening. She is so retarded that she makes Kim Kardashian seem like a member of Mensa. So it really wasnt that surprising at all when Courtney launched her own website this week and actually spelled her own name wrong!! She spelled her name "Stoden" instead of "Stodden" she left out one of the d's. Which is really ironic because the only thing this vapid idiot has going for her is her "double d's."

Jon Hamm is in a word-wonderful.

Jon Hamm is one of the very few celebrities that doesn't annoy me or seem like a total asshole. He's a good actor and doesn't get caught up in all the "Hollywood bullshit." So you can probably imagine what he thinks of all these talentless reality stars that have tainted the Hollywood gene pool in recent years. Whats that?...you cant imagine what he thinks of them? Oh, that's okay because he will actually tell you what he thinks of them, like he recently did in an interview with Elle UK in which he said this- "Whether it's Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated ," and then he added this gold nugget-" being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you're rewarded significantly."  Oh Jon, where have you've been all my life?? Seriously...If this guy whispered stuff like that in my ear at night, there would be no need for me to take Viagra....oh, I'm not gay or anything..not that there's anything wrong with that. What?? There is something wrong with that??  Who the fuck just said that??....is someone there??..hello?

LeAnne Rimes knows how to ruin a perfectly good blanket.

Smelly, freaky-faced former singer- LeAnne Rimes, spent some quality time with her husband- Eddie Cibrian's ex wife-Brandi Glanville. The two of them got together to watch Eddie's and Brandi's sons soccer game and by all accounts, they actually got along pretty well. Which is surprising because  LeAnne basically stole her husband. They're even seen here sorta smiling in this pic. But even more importantly, the one thing that I think that we can all surmise from this photo -is just like Eddie Cibrian...that guys crotch in the background makes horrible choices.

Proof that Shia Lebeouf has hit puberty.

Shia Labeouf was out in L.A. shopping on Thursday and apparently he's gonna be playing Grizzly Adams gay son in his next movie because that's exactly what he looks like. What the fucks up with that sweater and scraggly beard? Is it really that cold in L.A these days? By the looks of him..I wouldn't doubt it if this idiot got a ticket for double parking his dog sled.

Rhianna has major "daddy issues."

A year or so ago, Rhianna seemed like the perfect role model for young girls. She was beautiful, talented and was an inspiration to young women who were in abusive relationships. Now she's an  insufferable bitch that acts and dresses like a gangsta whore and doesn't give a fuck what her fans think or what anybody thinks for that matter. But it may not be entirely her fault. Rhianna's father-Ronald Fenty recently did an interview with Heat magazine where he said that Rhianna "looked fat" the last time he saw her and that he thinks that Rhianna"s former boyfriend Chris brown ( yeah , the one that bashed her face into a pile of jelly) is a "nice guy" and that he thinks it would be a "great idea" for them to get back together. So there you have it folks.. .the answer to that age old question "where do whores come from?" they come from Ronald Fenty's penis.

Jessica Simpson's "Elle" of a cover.

Omg everybody...Jessica Simpson is on the new cover of Elle magazine and guess what...She's posing nude while she's pregnant!!!! I know...shocking right??  Wow...I've never seen any other famous women do that before!!! Everyone is gonna be talking about this!! She is truly a pioneer! Oh, and guess what else...I saw an action movie this past weekend where two undercover cops where being chased by a bunch of bad guys and then one of the undercover cops says to the other one "Man...I'm getting too old for this shit!!" Hahahaha...fucking priceless!!!  Hahaha...haha..ha.....What??..really?..when?....no you asshole, of course I don't live under a rock.

Jennifer Love Hewitt "never gets hit on."....awwwwah.

 Jennifer Love Hewitt and her enormous tits are on display on the cover of this months Maxim magazine and inside the issue Jennifer confesses in an interview that "guys almost never hit on her" and she has "no idea" why. Well, first off Jennifer, Like dogs can smell fear, guys can smell "crazy" from a mile away. Although your tits are alluring, we men don't want to take the chance that we will actually have to talk to you for any length of time and eventually be stuck with you and have you embarrass us in front of our friends. Its the same reason that I've never stuck my dick in the suction end of a vacuum cleaner. As tempting as that has always seemed to me, I never wanted to take the chance of  possibly having to call 911 and asking them "how the hell do I get this fucking thing off of me??!!!"

Hulk Hogan has a sex tape....yay?

A sex tape of 58 year old former pro-wrestler Hulk Hogan has surfaced and is currently being shopped to the porn industry giant Vivid Video- the same company that purchased the infamous Tommy Lee\ Pam Anderson sex video. Apparently the grainy video is about 5 years old and shows the "Hulkster' walking around in a yellow thong, flexing his muscles and engaging in sexual intercourse with an unidentified brunette companion. A Vivid Video spokesperson released a statement saying that they are "very interested in acquiring the tape" but they need their experts to inspect the video further just to make 100% sure that the muscle bound person in the video isn't actually "Brooke Hogan." However, if the person on the tape does turn out to be Brooke Hogan...Hulk Hogan has already put the first bid in for 1,000,000 dollars.