Lindsay Lohan is hosting SNL.

Lindsay Lohan is gonna try to revive her downward spiraling career by hosting Saturday Night live this Saturday night ( march 3rd). Lindsay has told the producers of SNL that she is totally willing to make fun of herself to show people that she is "in on the joke" and that "no topic is off limits." I for one, am looking forward to watching this "train wreck in the making" because just like when my herpes resurfaces every couple years and tries to make a valiant comeback...I just cant wait to pick the shit out of it.

Angelina Jolie is "scary skinny."

Angelina Jolie was a presenter at last nights Academy awards and she was so fucking skinny that she looked like an extra from Schindler's list. Wtf happened to her? Maybe she got sick of all the people in those 3rd world countries that she adopts her kids from referring to her as " the fat American lady." She looks so scary that I was half expecting Sigourney Weaver to show up on stage with one of those exoskeleton robot suits from Aliens and start fighting her.

"Big" Oscar winner.

Mammoth sized actress- Octavia Spencer won an Oscar on Sunday night for "best supporting actress" for her performance in "The Help." And in a related story-The stage she received her award on has already been nominated for an Oscar for next years Academy Awards for "best supporting flooring."

Lindsay Lohan is not the whore you're looking for.

Lindsay Lohan was in court again yesterday and surprisingly..everything went just great for her. Judge Stephanie Sautner praised Lindsay for all the hard work she's done and also said that the actress seems to be getting her life "back on track." Many in the media are speculating that judge Sautner's new optimistic view of Lindsay is soley due to the handy work of her her newly appointed defense attorney...Obi wan kenobi.

Rhianna is officially a moron.

There's alot of  speculation going around that Rhianna and Chris Brown are going to get back together. At first I was disgusted when I heard that she might possibly get back with the guy who beat her face in until it was unrecognizable. But after listening to the horrible new song that Rhianna and Chris collaborated on called "birthday cake"..I totally condone them patching things up. She deserves it.

Miley Cyrus really is that dumb.

Miley Cyrus can now join the ranks of celebrities with stupid tattoo's because like a moron, She went and got the words "love never dies" tattooed on the underside of her bicep, which is a nice sentiment...but in her case it will probably serve as an ominous warning to any guys that happen to read it as they're handcuffing her to the bed, and may have been stupidly fooling themselves into thinking that this was just gonna be another one night stand.

Rhianna turned 24 today!!!

 And Whitney Houston turned a nice shade of grayish-blue today.......Oh crap...I'm definitely gonna pay for that one. Let's just go ahead and put this one in the "too soon" category.

Shovel ready job.

Whitney Houston is being buried today at the Fairview cemetery in New Jersey and if you're a fan of watching that kinda thing then you're in luck because its being televised live!!!  You can watch it now at http://www.tmz.com/ . I was gonna watch it, but I really don't need to give god another reason to be disappointed in me. Him and I have enough problems as it is. I'm already gonna have a hard enough time explaining this...

Chris Brown: pick-up artist.

Chris Brown is hated by pretty much everyone. He continues to be on a sucking streak that defies the laws of nature. First he beats the shit out of Rhianna and then he doesn't get why people wont forgive him for it. Then he goes on twitter after he wins a grammy and basically tweets "fuck you" to everyone. Now he's getting a ton of shit because a girl is claiming that Chris tried to pick her up by using the line "Can I get your number? I promise I wont beat you!" which he is of course denying ever saying. There is only one famous person in history that I can think of that has ever been on a longer sucking streak than Chris Brown..and ironically, I think there is a good chance that they may be related to each other...

Charlie sheen is winning!! (my heart).

Charlie Sheen is my new hero. He did a phone interview yesterday with TMZ live where he said "I'm tired of lying...I'm tired of pretending the show(Two and a half men) doesn't suck. I'm tired of pretending that Ashton doesn't suck."  I wanted to kiss Charlie when he said that because as you know...  I fucking despise Ashton Kutcher and Charlie Sheen is right..Two and a half men is fucking terrible now. Let me see..how can I describe how bad it is? Here's a good analogy: Remember that movie Pet cemetery when that little kids cat got hit by a truck but the kids father was afraid to tell him that his cat was dead so he decided to bury it in the pet cemetery and then the cat comes back to life and shows up the next day and everybody is happy at first, but then the cat starts acting like a suicidal billionaire that can't act worth shit and then everyone ends up hating the cat?. Kinda like that.

Rosie O'Donnel and Chelsea Handler are a "little offensive."

Chelsea Handler went on Rosie O'Donnell's talk show the other day and Rosie revealed to Chelsea that she has a fear of "little people" which the two went on to discuss for a few minutes in an extremely offensive manner. First Rosie said that she cant wrap her head around the fact that "little people" are actually adult people with little bodies and that she gets anxiety ridden whenever she is around them. Then Chelsea says that she loves little people because they are "so cute" and all she wants to do is "tackle them" and that she sees them as "child-like". Leah Smith, A spokesperson for the organization LPA(Little people of America) said that "Rosie's and Chelsea's views are both equally offensive, but in different way's."  Smith also stated that she herself had "tried to reach" Rosie and Chelsea to vent her disappointment on behalf of the organization, but unfortunately for Smith...her arms were too short and stubby to be able to grab either womans throat.

Whitney Houston is still dead.

So it's been a few days since Whitney Houston was found dead in a hotel bathtub from an apparent drug-overdose and I haven't seen any of the major news organizations ask the single most obvious question, and that is- WHERE THE FUCK WAS THIS GUY???!!...

Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian won't stop showing up places.

Home wrecking couple- Leann rimes and Eddie Cibrian attended Will.i.am's Trans4mation experience on Thursday night at the Hollywood palladium. Leann and Eddie reportedly spent most of the night drinking champagne, listening to live music and trying to out-squint each other. Leann won.

Hilary Puff.

Hilary duff was in Los Angeles yesterday doing some errands and looking for a sewage drain to stand over in case her water broke. Holy shit she is fucking huge!! It was almost impossible for me to masturbate to this. I almost had a non-nutter there for a sec but I imagined for a minute that she wasn't pregnant and that the big bump in her belly was due to the fact that she had just pulled her shirt over my head while I motor-boated her boobies!! ...What??

Mike Sorrentino has gotten himself into a gay situation.

Mike "the situation" Sorrentino is having a hissy-fit over an interview that cast-mates Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and Jenni "Jwoww " gave to the Huffingtonpost in which they speculated about his sexuality and hinted that he might be gay. A show insider told the Chicago Sun Times that Mike was "really upset" and "ripped both Snooki and Jwoww a new one" fearing that the statements that they made could possibly hurt his endorsement deals he has with certain companies who's products are geared towards straight males. Well, I'm glad that he ripped Snookie and jwwow new ones because they probably needed "new ones" at this point. Plus I don't think he's gay at all. I mean, just because a guy is totally jacked with ripply muscles, has an awesome tan and an adorably cute little face doesn't mean he's gay. I have tons of guy friends like that. We always do really manly stuff together too such as wrestling and working-out. We even get together on sunday nights and get drunk and play naked twister!! Hahahahaha...its so much fun!!!...Hahahahahah...haha.....ha........ha....Omg....I gotta go....I have a lot a "de-friending" to do on Facebook.

Michael Lohan wants to Hold the pickle.

TMZ is reporting today that Michael Lohan has applied for a job at a local Palm beach Burger King after being released from a treatment facility there. Lohan's treatment councilers reportedly recommended that he get a job to help pass the time while he's recovering. If Lohan does get hired by Burger King, he will instantly gain the status as being the 2nd creepiest guy in history to ever be on Burger King's payroll.

Arnold and Stallone are making me depressed.

Arnold Shwartzenegger and Sylvester Stallone were both in the hospital this week getting shoulder surgeries. Arnold posted this pic of himself and Stallone with the caption, "after all the action, stunts & physical abuse shooting The "Expendables 2'  and "The last stand.' it was time for a little tune-up on my shoulder. Look who was coincidentally waiting in line behind me for his shoulder surgery."  Then the 64 yr old actor added, "Now we're ready for another round of great times and action when we shoot "the tomb"  Unfortunately for Arnold, his doctor was confused when Arnold had asked him if he would be "ready for the tomb" in which his doctor responded "yes" not realizing that "The tomb' Arnold was referring to was an up-coming movie.

Miley Cyrus wants to know if you're looking for a date.

Miley Cyrus was spotted Tues (February 7th) Looking like a street walker coming out of Bed, Bath & beyond in Studio City Calif. Presumably she was under the assumption that they actually gave baths there. I know that the " I would suck a dick for a quarter and some string cheese" look is "in"... but this is ridiculous.

Rhianna may be getting back together with Chris brown.

Like a dog returning to it's vomit-23 year old singer Rhianna was reportedly spotted partying at the Greystone Manor night club in Los Angeles with her former boyfriend/captor-Chris Brown. However a friend close to Rhianna says that "Rhianna has no interest in Brown romantically'' but was simply going to the club to instigate a fight between her and Chris so he would punch her in the face again and hopefully knock out a couple of her teeth in order to put the finishing touches on her controversial new "beat-to-hell-crack-whore" look.

Ashton Kutcher Turned 34 yesterday...unfortunatlely.

Ashton Kutcher turned 34 yesterday, and to celebrate, his Two and a half men co-stars and crew threw Ashton a surprise party and even got him a custom made birthday cake. Everyone seemed to have a really great time and devoured every last piece of cake. It was a very low-key celebration that winded down within a couple hours and everyone got home safe. Which is in stark contrast to previous years when it was Charlie Sheen's birthday and nobody ate anything and the party would sometimes literally go on for days and would usually end up resulting in the divorces of at least one or two of the married male crew members.

Justin Bieber is soooo frickin' funny!

Justin Bieber has a new spot out for Pro-active in which he hides behind a curtain and pretends to be the director of the commercial while telling unsuspecting teenage girls to do a variety of silly and "hilarious" things like "smile like you just lost your cat..(hehe)..and then found him" and other comedy gems such as-- "okay...twirl around really fast!" Justin then cracks up at how funny he his and finally reveals himself to the delight of the squealing teenage fans. I don't get this...so its "funny" when Justin Bieber pretends to be a director and has teenage girls do weird stuff, but when I do it its considered "creepy' and "against the law?" Can someone please explain to me how that's fair???

Lean Rimes is recovering from mouth surgery.

Lean Rimes tweeted to fans yesterday that she is recovering from some type of mouth surgery. The 29 year old former country singer tweeted-@LeanRimes: I had minor surgery this week and I've been in so much pain its not even funny," then added "nothing major just annoying! pain pain go away!! When its mouth pain and jaw pain, it makes your whole head pound! Yuck!." Although Lean never mentions in the tweet as to why she needed jaw surgery, a Tweet that her boyfriend -Eddie Cibrian tweeted earlier in the week to his fans may shed some light on the situation, in which he tweeted-@EddieCibrian: "Just got home and "joker face" went through all my shit again!!" Left a big unflushed green log in the toilet for me too..think today is a good day to try out my new pair of brass knuckles."

Madonna killed during Superbowl half-time Performance.

Pop icon- Madonna was crushed to death Sunday night during her Superbowl half-time performance when a 2 and a half ton lighting fixture that was hanging above the stage came crashing down during the song "gimme all you luvin." Horrified screams filled the stadium as stage hands and crew members tried to lift the fallen debris off the 53 year old singer..but it was too late. One shaken eye-witness stated that "Her head looked like a smashed watermelon...it was awful." Another onlooker said " At first I thought it was part of the show..but then I saw all the blood and the shocked looks on the faces of the back-up dancers and I knew something was very, very wrong."  Okay, if you haven't figured it out yet, this story isn't true.. but didn't it make you feel great for a minute?? You're welcome.

Kim kardashian is done dating football players.

There have been many rumors swirling around lately that Kim Kardashian has been secretly dating New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, but sources close to Kim say that there is "no truth to the rumors'' and that Kim has sworn off dating football players altogether after her tumultuous public break-up with Miami dolphins lead running back- Reggie Bush a couple years ago. Kim did say however, that she would definitely consider dating Wes Welker of the New England patriots because after last nights Superbowl performance- he doesn't really qualify as a "football player" anymore.

NEWS FLASH: Elton John and David Furnish hate Madonna's guts.

Elton Johns husband-David Furnish told TMZ that there's "no way in hell that they're gonna watch the Superbowl half-time show" presumably because Madonna is performing. If you remember, David called Madonna a "desperate" narcissist after she beat-out Elton for a Golden globe for "best song" a few weeks ago. Man, I cant believe that they're not gonna watch the Superbowl!!  I mean what the hell else are a couple of guys gonna possibly do on Superbowl Sunday??

 I'm There!!!

Rhianna looks "itchy."

Here's a pic that 23- year old pop singer Rhianna tweeted to her fans last Thursday while at a photo shoot for the next cover of "Elle" magazine. This chick is falling apart at hyper-speed. A year or two ago if you slept with her, you would probably wake up the next morning feeling really great about yourself and would be whistling all day long. Now if you slept with her, you would wake up the next morning having a panic attack and call in "sick" to work. Then the rest of your day would be spent scaring the shit out of yourself searching various std symptoms on http://www.webmd.com/.

Just in case you didn't hate Madonna enough already-Here's her latest video.

Here's the manish Madonna pretending to be young and pretty in her new video for the song "give me all your luvin." My "Rage meter" went so off the charts when I watched this video that I had a series of mini strokes. This song is so fucking terrible. The sounds of a civil war soldier having his leg amputed with a hacksaw and no morphine would be more pleasurable to listen to.

Sarah Jessica Parker is "wigging" me out.

Hay everbody, Look hoof it is!!  Why its Sarah Jessica Parker of horse in L.A. wearing a fake blonde mane on the set of "lovelace". She's playing the role of 70's feminist icon Gloria Steinem. I didnt know what the real Gloria Steninem looked like so I went and "Googled" her, and I must say...I think Sarah really "nailed it"!! Dont you??

--Gloria steinem.

Amanda Seyfried has gotten herself into a "hairy" situation.

Amanda Seyfried is playing the role of Linda Lovelace in the upcoming biopic "Lovelace", so of course there was going to be some heavy research into 70's porn involved. Amanda told Glamour magazine that she had to sit through the porn classic "Deep Throat" (the movie which made Lovelace a star) and it doesn't sound like she was too thrilled about it because she also told Glamour that she was "surprised by the amount of pubic hair"  Hmmm...so Amanda doesn't like pubic hair huh? I guess that explains why I never got a  response from her after I sent her that really nice letter with the sexy pic of me enclosed.