Someone needs to tell Lean Rimes that she's ugly.

There has never in the history of man, been a face more worthy of a slap than this one. I would like to wipe that smirk off her face with a cheese grater and then break her over my knee and throw her in a wood chipper.

Kim kardashian had a visitor.

A stranger showed up at Kim Kardashian's residents in Beverly Hills last night with his luggage claiming that he was there to stay with Kim because he was working on her reality show. However, Kim's security team knew that the story couldn't possibly be true because the man wasn't black.

Brad Pitt and Angelina dont allow their kids' to Google them.

Brad Pitt just did an interview with the German newspaper bild in which he said "on all our kids' computers we had our names blocked, they cant google their mom and dad." Then the 48 year old actor added "I don't want to make myself dependent on what other people think." Wow, what the hell could it be that they wouldn't want their kids to see? I cant think of anything, can you?

..Ohhhhhhhhh.

Sarah Jessica Parker is replacing Demi Moore in "lovelace."

After Demi Moore backed out of the biopic "lovelace" this week because of "exhaustion" the studio had to quickly find a replacement to play Gloria Steinem in the film. So who better to play a 70's porn star than the beautiful 46 year old actress Sarah Jessica Parker. However, according to sources working on the the set of Lovelace, studio execs may already be regretting their decision to cast Sarah. Reportedly Sarah is acting like a complete "thoroughbred" and is demanding to be fitted with brand new 24k gold horse shoes, unlimited amounts of hay and her very own stall. Even some of Sarah's closest friends have turned on her and stated that "Sarah use to be so sweet and docile" but that all changed after she won the Kentucky Derby back in 1996 and then she quickly became "very spirited and demanding".

Adriana Lima needs to get a restraining order...against me!

 I've never seriously considered stalking anyone, but Adriana Lima would be my very first choice if I ever decided to. I bet if she let me take her out on a date, she would find me very interesting and would want me to be her steady boyfriend and then move in with me right away. But then one day while I was at work, she would probably be snooping around my apartment and find my princess leia blow-up doll and would confront me about it when I got home. Then I would panic and have to do something silly like pull my pants down, point to my dick and accuse her of giving me genital warts just to change the subject. Anyway..here she is in St. Barts this week posing in a bikini for the new Victoria's Secret catalog.

Miley Cyrus wants to have her cake and suck it too.

Miley Cyrus has been getting alot of flack this week for posing for some racey pictures with a birthday cake that was shaped like a giant black penis that she ordered for her boyfriend Liams birthday party. A right wing watch dog group called "The Culture and media institute" is calling Miley's behavior "disgusting" and say's she has now become the epitome of the anti-role model of young girls. However, Miley is recieving support from some unlikely places. Kim kardashian reportedly reached out to Miley in a phone call and told the 19 year old singer to "just hang in there".."there's nothing wrong with posing with giant black penises" "I mean ..look what it did for my career!" then Kim asked Miley if by any chance there was "any cake left" and when Miley responded "no" Kim immediately starting crying and hung up on her.

Hollywoodpinata's 1st annual "sag" awards!! Here are the nominee's...

Steven Tyler for: The creature from the Crack Baboon.

Chaz bono: The running man \ thing\ whatever.

Simon Cowell in: Boobs wide shut.

John Travolta: Bulk friction.h

And Jack Nicholson in: The fucket tits.

Demi Moore's Cluster fuck of a 911 call.

Okay, this is literally getting crazier by the minute. They just released the frantic 911 call that Demi's friends made and as you will see,  it is completely chaotic. Nobody knows what the fuck is going on besides that fact that Demi went into convultions after she smoked something "sorta like incense."  The 911 operator  ask's Demi's friend repeatedly how old Demi was and I bet he was shocked as hell when they said she was 49 because he was probably expecting them to say 12 or 13.  Holy shit, where the fuck were Demi's parents, and why weren't they watching her?? Omg...I bet she is gonna be in soooo much trouble when they find out!! She's probably gonna be grounded for a really long time, and maybe wont even be able to go to the prom!!

Demi Moore abuses Red Bull?

Omg you guys, you're never gonna believe what I just heard. Demi Moore is addicted to Red Bull!!! Yup, according to TMZ 's sources Demi has been addicted to the high-octane drink for years now. Sometimes even replacing it for meals!!! In-fact she was binging on Red bull for weeks prior to her recent collapse. I dont know about you, but I think this story is "alot of bull." Hahahahaha...get it?? See what I did there!!? ALOT- OF -BULL!!..Hahahaahhahaha..Genius!! God I'm funny!! What?...you dont think that's funny? Oh okay then, let me see if I can make up for it......

--There. How's that?? Are we friends again? Good.

Charlie Sheen's and Corey Feldman's love child.

Hahaha...Gotcha. You totally believed me. It's not really Charlie Sheen's and Corey Feldman's love child you idiot!! It's "Hunky" actor Orlando Bloom looking like a complete moron in purple sweat pants!! He looks like one of those guys I wanna punch in the face that I have to wait behind in 711 in the morning while he picks out his losing scratch tickets.

Donkey "punch."

Drink a glass of fresh-squeezed donkey semen and a cold glass of donkey urine-no this is not Lindsay Lohans cure for a hangover. Its one of the challenges for the contestants on the next episode of Fear factor set to air this monday night. Okay Japan...your move.

Ashton Kutcher could give a fuck.

Ashton Kutcher really took the news of Demi Moore being rushed to the hospital really hard. So he did what every guy does when they hear that their ex almost died... fist pump in a night club!! Yup, Ashton was in Brasil when he heard the news about Demi and then told reporters that he had "no comment" about the incident. He was then spotted a short time later in a brasilian night club with a mysterious blonde woman where they both danced their asses off all night. Hey, dont be so quick to judge him. We all have different ways of dealing with grief. When my ex-girlfriend called me all pissed off and told me she had herpes I changed my phone number and D-friended her on facebook. Some people could see THAT as being "cold."

Tom Cruise and Suri play in Kim Kardashians toilet bowl.

Haha..just kidding. It's that psycho and his daughter at Disneyland taking a ride on the teacups. I dont think the ride operator really thought this one through. Tom Cruise doesn't really strike me as the type of person who should have his brain swished around in a violent manner. It's like when I was little and would capture a bumble bee in a jar and torture it. I would shake it all around and watch it get pissed and laugh my ass off until it finally would escape and sting me. I mean at that point, its your own damn fault if something bad happens.

Rhianna is an idiot?

Rhianna went and ruined her hands and got the words "Thug Life" tatooed on her knuckles in L.A. the other night. Why the fuck would she do that? What a dumb dumb. Dont get me wrong. I actually like tattoo's. In-fact I had one of a snake on my penis and my balls were made to look like eggs so it looked like the snake was guarding them. I eventually had it removed because I got sick of chicks asking me why an inch-worm would be guarding a couple of marbles.

Whip it good.

If I told you that Demi Moore had a seizure and had to be rushed to the hospital, would you believe me? You would? Okay...How bout if I told that the reason that she had a seizure was because she was doing "whip-its?" NO.. you get the fuck outta here cuz its true! At least thats what TMZ is reporting today. Fucking whip-its...really grandma? How embarassing is that!?? Of course Demi's reps had to do some serious damage control and immediatly released a statement saying that the elderly actress was suffering from "exhaustion."  Exhaustion from what? Playing cribbage?? She hasn't been in a movie in years! They should have just said that Patrick Swayze's ghost had talked her into it and at least maybe some people woulda bought it. Hey wait a minute, I just thought of something. She would be make a great spokesperson for "life alert"!!

K-fed almost died again.

Remember a couple months ago when K-fed was rushed to the hospital for heat exhaustion while filming the reality show "Excess baggage" in Australia and you and I kinda laughed about it? Well guess what! He almost died of a heart attack yesterday while filming the same show! Yup...he was running around training with an Austrailian football team and suddenly colapsed and was showing signs of cardiac arrest. He's ok I guess...I mean I didn't really check or anything. I'm just assuming he's ok because nothing good ever happens to me.

Megan Fox and Mike Tyson are in a commercial together.

CCAA, a portugese based language school, has a new commercial out starring the lovely un-talented 25 year old actress Megan Fox and former heavy weight champion of the world and convicted rapist Mike Tyson. The commercial stars two non-english speaking castaways that end up on "Megan fox Island" but are banished to "Mike Tyson Island" by Megan after she realizes that they cant speak any english. So I guess the point CCAA is trying to make is that if you go to America without being able to speak a lick of english, their's a good chance you will be raped by an insane black guy whom ironically can barely speak english himself. I mean, I get it. But couldn't they have just said that?

You can go on a cruise with Kate Gosselin!!

Here's a pic of Kate Gosselin arriving at the grove in Los Angelos for an interview with Extra. Kate recently announced that she will taking part in a week-long Royal Caribbean cruise set to sail this summer. Everyone who signs-up at http://www.kategosselincruise.com/ will get to have their own private coctail party with kate, play fun games on board with her, and will even get a signed copy of her new book!! Wow...that sounds great!!!  There's only one cruise in the whole wide world that I would rather be on.

Rhianna looks like a "nice person."

Rhianna was in hawaii the other day sunning her 23 year old buttocks, and I must say that she looks great. This girl is soooo "my type." In-fact she bares such a striking resemblance to my current girlfriend "Julie" that I cant help but think if maybe somehow they're related. I dont know...what do you guys think?  What?..you dont think so? Well maybe you need a new optometrist. Fuck you.

"Seal of disapproval."

German super-model Heidi Klum is reportedly about to file for divorce from her husband Seal after six years of marriage. It is also rumored that Heidi will be citing "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the split. Friends close to the couple are saying that Heidi and Seal are both devasted about the break-up and that they have "no idea how they are gonna be able to tell their 3 biological children about the divorce because they are "just so fucking adorable".

Lindsay Lohan might be a "hooker."

Okay,I know thats not really "news" but some crazy guy is trying to sue lindsay for $300,000 for "unfair business pratice's. Thomas A. Green is claiming that he had been corresponding with lindsay over facebook and that she agreed to participate in some kinda business venture with him but she never held up her end of the bargain.  He also indicates in the lawsuit that while talking with Lindsay he uncovered a conspiracy about the killing of Osama bin laden and that Lindsay may even be a "high end prostitute." Holy shit this guy is really fucking crazy!! I mean c'mon, Lindsay Lohan a "high end" prostitute? If he had said she was a $10.00 an hour street hooker, then maybe there would be at least a little bit of credibility to his story and people would have taken his lawsuit a little more seriously. Hmmph.."high end "prostitute...pull-leaze.

Khloe' The Giant.

 I'm gonna go ahead and mark this file as "case closed."

Snooki doesn't need no stinkin' make-up.

Snooki posted a pic of herself on twitter wearing no make-up at all and I hate to say it, but she actually looks sorta pretty. Now if that weird looking british guy from those Dyson vacuum cleaner commercials could just invent a machine that could suck her personality out....

Mark Wahlberg "isn't down with "jerking off."

So Mark Wahlberg is an arrogant dummy and had to apologize for saying in an interview with Mens Journal that "911 would have went down differently" if he was on one of the planes that hit the trade center. Which of course pissed off alot of people that had family members on those flights. In the same interview he also told Mens Journal That he doesn"t jerk off ever because he's just "not down" with that type of thing. Not down with jerking off!!?? Are you fucking kidding me!!? I had to stop writing this post and pull my pud because just seeing the words "jerking off" made me wanna jerk off.  I think the only thing that would have went down differently on the plane he was suppose to be on on 911 is that when faced with death, Mark Wahlberg would have franticly pulled his dick out of his pants and finally jerked off after years and years of pent-up frustration and would have drowned everyone on the flight with an ungodly amount of backed up semen.

Rosie O'donnell attended secret lesbian parties.

Rosie O'donnell went on "Watch what happens live" and revealed that when she was younger she would attend secret lesbian parties from time to time that were held at Melissa etheridges house. Attendies included a host of famous names like Ellen, K.D. lang and even Melissa Gilbert from "Little house on the prairie." Okay guys.. I know!!..I'm sorry! Here..take my hand and close your eyes. There's no place like home, theres no place like home, theres no place like home.....Okay..open your eyes....phew...it worked. Man.. that was a close one.

Heather locklear had another "episode".

No...not another television episode..another psychotic episode of course. A 9-11 call was placed by her sister last night after Heather reportedly overdosed on a mix of alchohol and prescription drugs.She was rushed to the hospital and is currently listed as "stable" and out of harms way. Oh, and just so you know what they mean by "stable"...this truck would also fall under the hospitals definition of being "stable."

R Kelly is "pissed.'"

R kelly was so angry when he saw the video tape of the four Marines pissing on those dead taliban members that he immediatly went to his local Marine corp recruiting station and enlisted. When asked by reporters why he decided to enlist, R Kelly responded " Huh?...oh ummm...cuz ya know... theres like a war and stuff ya feel me? Hehe...I mean for real dawg...it aint got nuttin ta do wit being able to pee on people..nope nuttin at all to do wit it ..peein on people I mean ..nope." Then he added "So..umm..you guys really think I'll get to pee on people??!!!